Game

When i thought i saw the exit, it somehow become a door to the start point.

Am i to stuck in this bloody game.

Everything is reset.

But not my health point.

How much had i left.

Maybe i do not care so much about myself anymore.

For you i press on.

Answers needed

I can’t explain why i am here writing, when i should be studying..

I can’t explain all the graphs and values..

I can’t explain this freaking headache..

I can’t explain the feelings i am having..

I can’t explain the aching i am having in my heart..

I can’t explain why i can’t explain..

And of all, i can’t explain all these tears..

..

.

2 Months

Earned a total of $xxxx amount and here i am jobless, soon to be penniless.

Two months, no blog, no news, no sound, not even a single alphabet, i know, nobody bother either. Why should i? Not like i am going through adventure like Bear Grylls, putting whatever protein he can find in his mouth nor am i Mike Rowe doing different dirty jobs everyday. I am what i am, writing to just remind myself of who i am and how dumb am i years later. Oh and of course my friends who still cares will read all this. Hello!!

Obviously i am not in a freaking good mood, so everything won’t sound right for everybody, i apologise. After what seem like a small round, i am back here searching for a job in this vast murky economy, except now i am with another load call ‘studies’ on my back. Can i cope? Well till i find the elusive job, i shall hope for the best.

My table messy, my bedtop has a layer of dust, window is somehow dirty, my awaiting to be clean camera lay sliently one side of my cupboard, letters to read, reports to rush, TMAs to be submit, notes to print, textbooks to be read, bedsheet due for changing, nails to cut, shoe to be whiten, bills to pay, money to be deposit, STOP! I can carry on if i wanted to. Too many things not going right, too many things to be done, too many, my life just seem to be teeming with negative and unfinished stuff. Try burying yourself in a sand pit, you cleared a small space but next moment it is filled up with sand again, but you know you will die unless you dig yourself out, that’s how it feel like now. Where? Where is my spade? Forget it.

but then i am looking at it, staring at it, examining it closely, it seem like it, but then it doesn’t seem to want to be it, should i tell it? Oops.. Another ton of sand came down on that digged space called HOPE.

Friends, are made during my little experience at the checkpoint, some stay, some gone, some move closer.

To those who stay, hope everythings going well.

To those gone, hope everything be even better, and goodbye.

To those moved a step closer, welcome.

And to those reading this, i am going to sleep, good night. Have a great day ahead.

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Early

Tons of stuff to share, but time plays another factor. 14 mins before my alarm goes off and starts the preparation for another 13 hours of work. Feelings in me is screaming for me to let them out, happy ones, i am going to, but off days pls. Not a minute to spare when you are doing the noble job of ‘protecting singapore’.

5 mins to go, just called joseph to wake him up, only to find him downstair looking for food, typical HCA like me, work, sleep, wake up, bath, find food, buy food, then rush off to work, repeat this for 3 days and that’s us.

Just remembered that too much ‘liang teh’ will kill all our sperm, and we swallow one bottle every night, well, joseph say we got no use for them right now too. Agreed.

10 sec

I just hitted the snooze button. signing off now. Miss all my friends, got money to go out with u all now. And treats for justina and aslin, hope u all reading this.

The night is still so YOUNG. tired Siaaa…..

Chances

In life, for things to be successful.

 Do you give yourself a chance, or do you need other people to give you a chance? Chances are you both need to be given chance and giving chance. But what are the chances of being able to be given chances and giving chance. Chances are it will be small, so…

F**k chances.

I don’t really understand what i myself is writing here 5am in the morning. Yes, i just pop right out of my sleep, on my computer and type a chunk of rubbish here. So then, what are the chances of this happening.

Go figure.

Treadmill

Well. Hi all. Long time. Let’s do this in a special way. Point form.

• A month plus since last post
• Feel pointless to blog since everthing going to be the same
• Same as in like running on a treadmill
• No change
• Only becoming more and more tired
• See her no more
• No chance
• Went vaccation
• Beijing
• Hong Kong
• Macua
• Overall okok, don’t wanna say much for the trip
• Still like Korea better
• Saving for next trip ‘soon’
• Save?
• Jobless
• How to saVE?
• $50 a week, try loh
• So anyone got lobang PLS help
• Applied for studies
• No reply yet
• People ask, don’t know say searching for job or going to study
• Aimless
• Oh ppls, give me a freaking job already

oh god, what am i doing?

Ending

bye

Out Of The Blue

I dunno what to WRITE. I dunno what to DO. I dunno what to SAY. I dunno to even THINK.

Can i just escape from this scary world for a moment, just for a MINUTE.

Please….

I am lost, hopeless, tired, whatever negative descriptive words you can find i will use.

I missed too many chance, too many opportunities, too much time, too much life.

I did not expect, i cannot predict, i cannot plan the unforeseen, what i can is to swallow the unanticipated like oversize rocks, rough and jagged, in-chewable, indigestible, tearing through every organ, tormenting them to pieces.

This world had leave me speech-less, Numb to the every toes and fingers i have.

I know all this shit seem out of the blue

but

To the whole wide world

Good Luck and Fuck You  _l_

Twelve Years

Its always hard to start off the first sentence, but here we go.

This is a story of a boy, or rather be refer as a guy named Pup.

Walking to the gate, holding a passport, Pup tries to hold back his tears as he turn to see his father and the rest of the family waving to him. Pup worried this will the last time he see them again, like what always happen in dramas, the plane will crash or something bad will happen while he was always, things like that float through the mind of this 12 year old kid.

Following behind his grandpa, holding mum’s hand, Pup turned, determined not to look back again so his tear filled eyes wouldn’t let any droplet go, it was suppose to be a happy 3 weeks trip anyway.

6 months ago, Pup’s grandpa promised him a trip to his hometown in china if he were to work hard for his PSLE. The day the result were revealed, Pup was not worried at all, he knows he work hard enough the whole year. 2 As, 2 Bs were enough. Enough for him, not his mum, not his dad, not for a brother for a younger brother and sister, at least that’s what he felt. Grandpa smiled when the result was showed, “You worked hard”, months of effort was not unknown through the eyes of this old man.

Buckled up on the seat before take off, Pup was all set to truly experience the feeling of a flight in the air. He traveled before but that was like when he was a few months old, all he could do for the past years is just to look at all the pictures and videos that was taken then. He could not even speak then, don’t mention remembering how he feel of a flight. He took a few pictures with his mum and grandpa with the specially bought Olympus camera for this trip while the rest of the passenger continue to board the plane. Found the angle for the last shot, through the tiny viewfinder of the camera, Pup focused, when from the side of the frame a silhouette pop into view. He snapped.

Upon reaching Beijing, the weather itself is a huge change for Pup, it’s near zero degree Celsius here. Stepping out of the plane, Pup pause for a moment enjoying the first step onto this foreign land, he is the type where insignificant things can become valuable moments for him, first kiss, first of anything of everything. The next thing he know is this gush of cold air that freeze him inside out, only then he remember he left he winter coat in the main luggage, with only his bearly enough wind breaker, he and his mum ran all the way to the coach that is going to ferry them over to the airport, it’s china remember? They do not have those direct transit from plane to the terminal.

The tour guide gather all of them after all necessary documentation, boarded the bus, off they go to a hotel. Everything seem to be in a rush, Pup just hang as tightly onto his mum as a baby monkey would.

Although it is dark, staring out the window, Pup sees a different world from what he is used to, motorist here give way to the cyclist, there is a lane specially for them. Houses and buildings here are old, giving off an aged old mysterious aura. Amidst all the staring and noises in the bus, Pup hear someone on the seat behind him, a soft yet sweet voice, he wants to get up, he wants a  look at this voice. The bus stopped, announcing the arrival at the hotel the tour guide requested all to alight the bus, mum grabbed Pup hand and alighted.

The hotel was not for the night, there is a train trip awaiting afew hours later. Never been on a train, Pup felt fabulous, first a flight and now a choo choo journey, he couldn’t have ask for more.~~~~~~

Let’s take a break here. Inspirations has been reduced to zero for the past few days, too many things taking up Rams of my brain.

Next stop on 12 years, watch how Pup get to know this secret girl and how their relationship take a step closer to one another. So watch out for the next episode of 12 Years.

 Ending here. xoxo eh romance guy.

kao wtf.

Beyond The Bounds Of Possibility

“izit really that impossible?”

Fate is playing me like puppeteer pulling every string attached to the already ‘fucked’ life of a puppet. But disagreement will surface with my sentense, some would say that’s giving it life, a chance to be on the main stage, a chance to flex the lifeless limb. Life created, movement created, but definiately not what we want or expected.

I feel kind of sick, played. I have to see her now and then, walking right pass me and yet there is nothing i can hope for, not a single positive thinking i can cling onto. Sometimes thing like this can be quite hopeless, or impossible. I love the way we stare at each other sometime, that we know we are looking at the opposite yet acting we are not kind of feeling, it make me float better than drinking a whole bottle of martell.

I asked around, the people around me after the draft for the first paragraph ‘izit really that impossible?’, got quite  afew different answer.

Joseph: ‘not possible one lah’

Sister: ‘…..’

one answer that i find more difficult than any other and yet i wanna try is from…

Justina: ‘if u want, then get to know her lah’

Suddenly, my thinking swirled, confused. Maybe fate wasn’t playing with us, but quite the opposite we are letting fate play with us. Maybe we should work hand in hand with fate to accomplish the ‘mission impossible’. Fate already done the job of letting the angel fly pass, the rest is really up to me to cling and hold onto it.

I think sometimes human need just that bit of encouragement from another human to accomplish stuff, and that i think contribute greatly to the reason we are community being.

So do remember, a few word of encouagement and a pat on the shoulder to a friend in needs will move mountains. Thanks Jus