Out Of The Blue

I dunno what to WRITE. I dunno what to DO. I dunno what to SAY. I dunno to even THINK.

Can i just escape from this scary world for a moment, just for a MINUTE.

Please….

I am lost, hopeless, tired, whatever negative descriptive words you can find i will use.

I missed too many chance, too many opportunities, too much time, too much life.

I did not expect, i cannot predict, i cannot plan the unforeseen, what i can is to swallow the unanticipated like oversize rocks, rough and jagged, in-chewable, indigestible, tearing through every organ, tormenting them to pieces.

This world had leave me speech-less, Numb to the every toes and fingers i have.

I know all this shit seem out of the blue

but

To the whole wide world

Good Luck and Fuck You  _l_

Twelve Years

Its always hard to start off the first sentence, but here we go.

This is a story of a boy, or rather be refer as a guy named Pup.

Walking to the gate, holding a passport, Pup tries to hold back his tears as he turn to see his father and the rest of the family waving to him. Pup worried this will the last time he see them again, like what always happen in dramas, the plane will crash or something bad will happen while he was always, things like that float through the mind of this 12 year old kid.

Following behind his grandpa, holding mum’s hand, Pup turned, determined not to look back again so his tear filled eyes wouldn’t let any droplet go, it was suppose to be a happy 3 weeks trip anyway.

6 months ago, Pup’s grandpa promised him a trip to his hometown in china if he were to work hard for his PSLE. The day the result were revealed, Pup was not worried at all, he knows he work hard enough the whole year. 2 As, 2 Bs were enough. Enough for him, not his mum, not his dad, not for a brother for a younger brother and sister, at least that’s what he felt. Grandpa smiled when the result was showed, “You worked hard”, months of effort was not unknown through the eyes of this old man.

Buckled up on the seat before take off, Pup was all set to truly experience the feeling of a flight in the air. He traveled before but that was like when he was a few months old, all he could do for the past years is just to look at all the pictures and videos that was taken then. He could not even speak then, don’t mention remembering how he feel of a flight. He took a few pictures with his mum and grandpa with the specially bought Olympus camera for this trip while the rest of the passenger continue to board the plane. Found the angle for the last shot, through the tiny viewfinder of the camera, Pup focused, when from the side of the frame a silhouette pop into view. He snapped.

Upon reaching Beijing, the weather itself is a huge change for Pup, it’s near zero degree Celsius here. Stepping out of the plane, Pup pause for a moment enjoying the first step onto this foreign land, he is the type where insignificant things can become valuable moments for him, first kiss, first of anything of everything. The next thing he know is this gush of cold air that freeze him inside out, only then he remember he left he winter coat in the main luggage, with only his bearly enough wind breaker, he and his mum ran all the way to the coach that is going to ferry them over to the airport, it’s china remember? They do not have those direct transit from plane to the terminal.

The tour guide gather all of them after all necessary documentation, boarded the bus, off they go to a hotel. Everything seem to be in a rush, Pup just hang as tightly onto his mum as a baby monkey would.

Although it is dark, staring out the window, Pup sees a different world from what he is used to, motorist here give way to the cyclist, there is a lane specially for them. Houses and buildings here are old, giving off an aged old mysterious aura. Amidst all the staring and noises in the bus, Pup hear someone on the seat behind him, a soft yet sweet voice, he wants to get up, he wants a  look at this voice. The bus stopped, announcing the arrival at the hotel the tour guide requested all to alight the bus, mum grabbed Pup hand and alighted.

The hotel was not for the night, there is a train trip awaiting afew hours later. Never been on a train, Pup felt fabulous, first a flight and now a choo choo journey, he couldn’t have ask for more.~~~~~~

Let’s take a break here. Inspirations has been reduced to zero for the past few days, too many things taking up Rams of my brain.

Next stop on 12 years, watch how Pup get to know this secret girl and how their relationship take a step closer to one another. So watch out for the next episode of 12 Years.

 Ending here. xoxo eh romance guy.

kao wtf.

Beyond The Bounds Of Possibility

“izit really that impossible?”

Fate is playing me like puppeteer pulling every string attached to the already ‘fucked’ life of a puppet. But disagreement will surface with my sentense, some would say that’s giving it life, a chance to be on the main stage, a chance to flex the lifeless limb. Life created, movement created, but definiately not what we want or expected.

I feel kind of sick, played. I have to see her now and then, walking right pass me and yet there is nothing i can hope for, not a single positive thinking i can cling onto. Sometimes thing like this can be quite hopeless, or impossible. I love the way we stare at each other sometime, that we know we are looking at the opposite yet acting we are not kind of feeling, it make me float better than drinking a whole bottle of martell.

I asked around, the people around me after the draft for the first paragraph ‘izit really that impossible?’, got quite  afew different answer.

Joseph: ‘not possible one lah’

Sister: ‘…..’

one answer that i find more difficult than any other and yet i wanna try is from…

Justina: ‘if u want, then get to know her lah’

Suddenly, my thinking swirled, confused. Maybe fate wasn’t playing with us, but quite the opposite we are letting fate play with us. Maybe we should work hand in hand with fate to accomplish the ‘mission impossible’. Fate already done the job of letting the angel fly pass, the rest is really up to me to cling and hold onto it.

I think sometimes human need just that bit of encouragement from another human to accomplish stuff, and that i think contribute greatly to the reason we are community being.

So do remember, a few word of encouagement and a pat on the shoulder to a friend in needs will move mountains. Thanks Jus

Aruduous times

ok this gonna be a short one, as i am fairly tired after days of late night and early morning wakie.

Been busy helping out with the spring cleaning at home after the finally over renovation, new tv console, and a fresh new coat of paint for the whole house which i am glad brighten up my room substantially. And all 3 rooms’ door look like sunny side up, definately catching the eyes of any visitor. I cleaned the whole house except my own cupboard, as mum is my boss right now and her ‘stuff’ is more important than mine.

After a busy morning, still need to accompany mum to shop, this new year is really killer. Going to market with dad in the morning, so i guess it’s sleeping time.

Ending here.

Monster

Monster defined in the dictionary online as any creature so ugly or monstrous as to frighten people or any animal or human grotesquely deviating from the normal shape, behavior, or character.

But there is one kind of monster, invisible to any eyes on earth till rupture from the very cage where it is borned, where it eat, where it sleeps. There is one which is raging recently, going stronger by the very tick of the clock, waiting, waiting, waiting for that something, that someone. Like a vampire deprive of human blood, feeding on only what called vegetarian meal, it survive to only get what it is deserve by the very long wait.

Like everything and everyone, this monster have a history, it used to be tamed, well-fed, lived a free life. TILL the cage of imprisonment, solitariness came crushing down on it like a broken piece of the sky, unblockable. CAGED.

First it try all means to demolish the wall of the cage to find that, the wall is only able to be open from the outside. Followed by the failure, it try to bear with it, with all it patience  and strength, and so meal after meal, day after day. One thing for sure happen, the walls of the cage seem to only close in, squeezing only whatever left of the monster. Voice often could be hear from the outside, thinking salvation could be around the corner, the monster screamed, banged on the walls to make the loudest of noise to attract whatever possible to save itself.

And it did, the voice appear from the corner, standing only inches from the very bolt that would release the monster. Then it grin, then laugh, the voice that seem like salvation turned into a audiance at a circles show laughing at the clown. The monster was lost, shocked, hopelessness was all it feel. All these happened not once, not twice, but, over and over again.

Years gone by, the monster was thrall by all that had happen to it. Then one day. Silence, no more screams of hell, no more banging of steel, only the hot heavy breaths the monster take and the regular noise of unfulfilling meal being gorge down throat. It had enough. ENOUGH.

Whatever wisdom of life, whatever knowledge of ways into heart, whatever civilise manners it has, slowly drain away like grains in a hourglass, but only one way. And now it wait, growl at every voice that appear, like a hungry lion waiting to pound on the next nearest victim.

The monster wait.

And wait.

And so while the monster wait, the writer have to go sleep soon, surprise?

wa kao 2:40am of course sleep lah, tired leh.

Let the monster wait. And To Be Contiuned….

Starbucks

As on the title, here i am at starbucks in wisma waiting for the bloody late jos, from 6 pm to 7 pm, nono is 7:10 pm is the waiting time for me as he say he has something on at school, some password thingy. Lucky i never arrived eariler at 5:30 which i intend to. Walking around and ended up sitting here alone is no joke, 1st you feel like a lonely nobody want idiot, secondly, you see all sorts of funny things, two gers sitting on down finished their food and trying their best to cover up whatever crack they have on their face after eating with like tons of make up, lastly, i am craving for a cup of green tea frap which i can’t buy, long quene + nobody look after my stuff.

Ask my mum for some money eariler, and i totally feel like a loser, should be giving her money but here i am stretching out my hand and asking for pocket money, like a kid asking for milk or should i say candy lol. But i can’t help it, so hard to find a job right now, and my saving is like going to the last 10ml left in a cup. Very very broke.

ok 7:10 soon, doubt he is on time.

i hate waiting for people, or should i say i hate to be alone outside doing nothing, i just don’t feel comfortable. ok lah i whined too much.

LOL… He just called.

Ending here then. 7:25pm

Refugee

Had been racking my mind since the day i started taking refuge at my mum place, i should be looking for a proper job instead of trying to think that my mum need help and need me there. But here i am again, dunno whether i will be paid, can’t go asking, “ma”… when is pay day? I do have work to do, moving and fixing stuff around the ‘still’ renovating shop, wonder when all this gonna end. And yes another reason i am here is due to renovation at home as well, you know no tv at home, no tv=no nonya.

Getting bored of doing these everyday, this might be a small nibble of what’s waiting for me in the big loaf of boring white bread. But one thing for sure working with unrelated people is sure gonna be very different from this now, is either they stick with you, or you will feel ‘pain in the back’ and dunno how you die. This might be another reason i kept my 1st step into this unreliable society.  Mum’s place is still the best shelter.

back to work i guess, ending here.